This week, we check in on two detestable billionaires who have vowed to resolve their differences using violence. Of course, we refer to Elon Musk, best known for destroying Twitter; and Mark Zuckerberg, best known for destroying human social discourse.
In short, Elon Musk challenged Mark Zuckerberg to a cage match and Zuckerberg accepted.
And here we are.
Is this the dumbest story of the year? Sportsbook Nation thinks so.
We totally agree.
So why even cover it? Well, it is the dead of summer. Slow news cycle, y’know?
But there is another reason that we’re venturing into the toxic waters of social media. If you’ve spent any time on Urvin’s Community platform, you know that one of our core rules of conduct says “no trolling.”
So as we watch these wealthy kingpins of Social Media troll one another into fisticuffs, there can be no doubt that we are witnessing dystopian infotainment as performance art. Nice work, gentlemen. You’re setting a wonderful example for the children.
But…it does give us the chance to punch up at a few easy targets. So here we go.
Giant Douche Vs. Turd Sandwich
It’s summertime. We’re hot. We’re irritable. Everything is on fire. And still, we’re forced to spend these sweltering months enduring tiresome, empty, and constant bickering between two rich, self-important toad people.
It makes you nostalgic for the days when rich toad people viewed the public as beneath them and simply avoided engagement with us at all costs. At least we didn’t have to see them all the time.
But visibility seems to be the whole point of this imaginary showdown.
Why exactly?
We assume Musk craves love whereas Zuckerberg believes he can better understand humanity by getting closer to it.
Either way, here’s a brief timeline of events without dates because who really cares…
Look…we’re all about positivity here. So we’re hopeful that at least one of these guys gets pummeled in the face.
But we’re also highly skeptical.
Heel The World
As a cage match, Musk v. Zuck presents an undesirable choice: heel vs. heel. Between the two, I root for dysentery. (Vegas Odds are 10:1 right now). Allegedly, the proceeds from any actual match would go to charity.
The truth is though, this virtual performance is meant only to benefit its lead antagonists.
It does seem that Musk is the more reluctant of the two to fight.
Just picking up on a few breadcrumbs here:
At one point, Musk claimed to have spoken with the Italian Prime Minister, who totally gave him permission to hold the fight in the Colosseum. The Italian government says that never happened, which makes sense because it’s patently absurd.
We’ve also recently learned that Musk may require surgery to address a chronic injury. Turns out he has a titanium plate somewhere in his body–treatment for a crushed disc which occurred in a sumo wrestling match nine years ago.
That’s apparently true…
Then, on August 14th, Musk threatened via Twitter to show up that very night at Zuckerberg’s front door for an impromptu Livestream confrontation. Zuckerberg was traveling at the time because that’s a thing billionaires with many houses do. Musk promised that he would be waiting for Mark upon his return home.
But it’s hard to believe Musk is taking this very seriously. And we get it. Elon’s mommy is very clearly on record saying that she really doesn’t want him to fight.
Moreover, Zuckerberg has rejected Musk’s invitation to a backyard brawl, calling instead for an officially sanctioned event. Zuck has accused Musk of disrespecting the sport.
But Musk isn’t the only one spreading lies.
I mean…we’re supposed to believe this is Mark Zuckerberg?
It’s pretty obvious that somebody photoshopped his head onto a human body.
Regardless of who really wants to fight, both of these guys are putting on a show—a terrible unwatchable show with no heroes and zero action, like The Bachelorette minus the sexy singles.
And the Winner Is…
Tik Tok. That’s where that coveted demo of Taylor Swift-aged consumers goes for its social media trends. They don’t care what these idiots do to each other.
I mean, obviously Zuckerberg would dismantle Musk in an actual fight. Musk is a wealthy narcissist without a clear sense of his own limitations. Zuckerberg is a wealthy technocrat with repressed nerd rage. My money’s on the guy who looks like he eats batteries for sustenance.
But that’s neither here nor there. Because first of all…I’d wager my kingdom in Dogecoin this fight never happens. Maybe we’ll get to see a showdown in the Metaverse Octagon—without torsos or spectators of course.
Otherwise, the whole story here is a stab at relevance wherein, tragically, nobody gets punched. Welcome to the Theatre of the Nothing.
We admit, it’s not easy to take inspiration from this story. It's especially tough when the main characters are both unbearable.
But here at Urvin, we do find inspiration in the idea that we can do better…as in all of us. We can all do better than Facebook and X. We can do better than Zuckerberg and Musk. We can do a whole lot better than prank-calling the Prime Minister of Italy with some nonsense about borrowing the Colosseum.
We’re building a community here at Urvin without trolls, without bullies, without cage matches. We don’t know what the future holds. There’s a lot we might yet do together. But we can promise you one thing–we’ll never challenge you to a fistfight.
Dave Lauer is a co-founder and CEO of Urvin Finance, where he leads the team in building Urvin Terminal. Prior to founding Urvin Finance, Dave spent over a decade advocating for financial market reform after quitting his job as a high-frequency-trader.